RVD Brought his Doctor's Note

The crowd cheers loudly as Walk by Pantera hits the PA system. After a few seconds of waiting RVD makes his way out onto the stage with two crutches, obviously faking some kind of injury.

JBL: What the fuck is this?

Jim Ross: Well it seems Van Dam may have injured himself back stage.

JBL: Bullshit, he's faking it!

Rob slowly makes his way down the ramp, using the crutches for support that he doesn't need. Carefully going up the steel ring steps and with the help of some ring crew he enters through the top and middle ropes, he hobbles his way to the middle of the ring and is handed a mic by the announcer.

JBL: Oh this is going to be good.

Jim Ross: Maybe he has a legitimate injury.

JBL: Do you see a cast? No, he's faking.

ROB VAN DAM
As some of you may have noticed last week, I was off my game, which should be obvious to everyone because I lost to...Curt Hawkings? Hawks? Hawkins? Whatever, his name isn't important. The fact of the matter is, I am off my game, and felt the need to go see a doctor.

The crowd doesn't cheer or anything, they watch with interest to see where RVD is going with this.

ROB VAN DAM
He ran some tests, and it appears that my Coolatine levels are very low and my Whateverin levels are at an all time high. I asked him what could have been the cause of this, and he concluded the cause is a severe case of "The Munchies".

Some of the crowd starts to laugh, seeing now he is putting on an act for the crowd, the rest of the crowd is still confused.

JBL: I knew he was faking it.

Jim Ross: The Munchies can be quiet serious Bradshaw.

JBL: You would know.

ROB VAN DAM
The Doctor then proceeded to tell me that I will require no surgeries whatsoever and will not need to take time off to recover. Stating there is absolutely nothing wrong with me and I will be able to keep wrestling for many years to come.

More of the crowd joins in with laughing or cheers as he continues to hobble about the ring with the mic and crutches.

JBL: Oh theres something wrong with you alright.

ROB VAN DAM
Because of the seriousness of my condition, I cannot compete tonight against Raven, and I would like to give my express and sincere apologies to all of you fans. And that I hope a proper replacement for me can be found for Raven to beat up on tonight for your enjoyment.

The crowd gives a mixed reaction of cheers and boos.

Jim Ross: Looks like these fans really wanted to see RVD in action tonight.

JBL: No, they wanted to see him get his ass kicked.

ROB VAN DAM
It is also way I have come out here to announce...my retirement from the business. Crowd boos. The paperwork is being filled out and come the PPV I will be officially retire from professional wrestling.

A large wave of boos break out across the arena as RVD nods his head sadly at the news he delivered. He then coughs to disguise a chuckle.

ROB VAN DAM
What we can take away from this, is that the Munchies are a terrible disease that can affect anyone, and if you're not careful in monitoring your Coolatine and Whateverin levels, this can happen to you.

JBL: Should have known this guy would pussy out on us.

Jim Ross: Why? He's obviously joking around.

ROB VAN DAM
Thank you all for your time and understanding, and I hope you all can enjoy the rest of the show without me.

JBL: Oh we will, now hurry up and leave already.

RVD starts to hobble to the ring ropes as the crowd boos. RVD starts to hobble to the ring ropes as the crowd boos, ring crew helps him get through the ropes leaving him to hobble his way towards the stage.

END