A Steed-mas carol

Twas the night before the magic day we all know as Christmas. Little children were annoying their parents, skimming through toy store catalogs, demanding pretty much everything on every page, knowing full well there is no chance of getting it, they do it anyway, out of excitement. Carol singers out in full force on the snowy pavements, singing out loud and out of tune as usual, expecting people to give them money out of the kindness of their heats, because these carol singers, they can't be bothered to get a real job. All was was well and dandy, all for but one place, the Cox Cottage, home of the Steed (But not in a gay way), and that my friends is where our story begins.

Kris and Hale were sat there, conversing about the magical day that was Christmas, which was right around the bend. While Hale seemed extremely excited over the holiday, Kris seemed very relaxed and chilled over the whole thing. He took a puff from his pipe and looked at Hale closely for a while, he noticed that Hale was shaking all over.

KRIS
The hell is the matter with you?

HALE
What do you think? It's Christmas Eve, dammit, I'm excited! The food, the presents, the joy... It's going to be fantastic!

Kris tutted and sat back in his enormous armchair, he shook his head then took another puff from his pipe.

KRIS
One day, Hale, when you're as epic as I am, you'll come to learn that Christmas isn't all it's cracked up to be. In my eyes and the eyes of anyone else that is correct, Christmas has become a commercialised selling point. The only point of Christmas is to get innocent families to buy products in the hope of having a fun day, it's all just kidding yourself, thinking you're having a good time.

Hale raised his eyebrow, thoughtfully.

HALE
Kris, what exactly did you put in that pipe of yours, you're talking like a hipster...

KRIS
Maybe so, but it's the way I feel about Christmas, Hale. And you should feel the same.

Hale sat there looking put out for a while longer before coming back.

HALE
No... Christmas is good.

KRIS
Well I would understand why you would think that, you are a retarded buffoon after all.

Hale jumped out of his chair in anger.

HALE
I'm not retarded, you are.

Kris proceeded to get out of his chair too.

KRIS
No U.

HALE
NO U

KRIS
NO U!!!!!

And with that, Hale turned on his heel and ran into the kitchen, he could not be seen, but Kris could tell he was up to something, fumbling and zapping sounds could be heard from the room. Kris became curious and wandered towards the door, Hale dashed out, pushing an entire fridge freezer in front of him!

HALE
CHRISTMAS IS THE BEST THING EVER, YOU SON OF A BITCH!

Hale then pushed the gargantuan fridge freezer down on top of Kris. Kris lay there, unmoving for a while as Hale went back to his seat. Hale thought he had won, but oh no, there was more. Kris leapt up from the floor, throwing the fridge away from him like it was nothing at all, he dashed to the chair of Hale and pushed him off, Hale whimpered but it was too late, Kris grabbed him by his head and threw him out of the window, onto the cold snowy floor outside the cottage. On the outside, Hale noticed a large stone ornament, he picked it up and threw it at the face of Kris, it broke into little crumbly stone pieces on the floor, leaving Kris's face the same, but much more angry. Kris jumped through the window and karate kicked Jake in the face, the two brawled down the street and made it to a busy highway. Kris grabbed Jake by the sweater and in one subtle movement, threw him into the wake of an incoming vehicle, Hale fell beneath it. Kris had won... Or had he.

Yup, he had...Kris always wins. Anyhow, as the better man, he went over to pick Hale up...and tossed him off a bridge, before walking back to the Cox Cottage. Roasting a sausage near the fireplace was a ghastly figure of a "strong" man...no seriously, he was fat.

KRIS
Who the fuck are you!?

The figure didn't look for about five seconds...and then it turned it's head slowly, and those eyes...oh god those eyes were as black as the population of Baltimore.

THE GHOST OF MACIAS PAST
I am the Ghost of Macias Past.

Kris looked in awe...before he started laughing...and laughing...and laughing...and rolling on the floor with laughter...really. In comes Hale, already bandaged, with a broken arm and in a wheelchair...yes, Kris laughed for THAT long.

HALE
Who the fuck is that guy?

Kris doesn't even stop laughing for enough time to answer Hale...So around turns the head of the figure once again...

THE GHOST OF MACIAS PAST
I am the Ghost of Macias Past.

Hale chuckles

HALE
...Wat?

THE GHOST OF MACIAS PAST
Yah. And your gonna listen to this for laughing...

An apparent floating youtube link is sent magically from the ghost's hand to Kris' head, instantly he stops laughing and starts screaming.

HALE
What the fuck did you do to him!?

KRIS
KATY PERRY MUSIC...MAKE IT STOP...PLEASE...MAKE IT STOP!

Hale tries to get off the wheelchair to help Kris. He starts hearing this weird repeating sound and looks back at the ghost, who is looking back at the fireplace...

-- FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP --

HALE
WHAT THE..FUCK?!

Hale noticed there was a bookshelf next to the Ghost of Macias past, out of instinct he pushed it over on top of the ghost, but unfortunately it did no good. Macias Past simply sat there, fapping away. Hale decided there was nothing he could do about that and just accepted it, he rushed over to Kris who was on the floor screaming, the youtube video link still driving it's head into his ears. He was literally getting raped by music. Hale grabbed the link and tried to tug it from Kris's ear but it did no good, as quick as a flash, The Ghost whipped round and opened his mouth.

THE GHOST OF MACIAS PAST
Hey, man I have a really cool video to show you... AHHHHH

A long strand of blue text came from his lips, it was another youtube link, it nosedived into Hale who fell on the floor, but it was not even the beginning of the song, a massive cross appeared, with a huge red 'NO', the link hovered in front of it. Hale looked down at the ground.

HALE
Linkvalidator.net... For once in my life I'm pleased to see you.

Hale got back to his feet and once again tried to pull the link from the ears of Kris in an almighty crash, the link fell out and zoomed up into the sky.

KRIS
We have to take this thing out.

HALE
BUT HOW?!

KRIS
We must take it to Mordor...

HALE
One does not simply take Macias to Mordor, they fucking hate Disney over there!

Kris takes a puff on his pipe while scratching his chin, now that both of them were standing.

KRIS
You're right...Hmm...

HALE
I KNOW!

KRIS
What? Lemme guess...We must find the Ark of the Covenant!

Hale seems confused...

HALE
What the fuck...no!

Kris thinks for a bit.

KRIS
THE HOLY GRAIL?!

HALE
Nope...Loo--

KRIS
I know...we gotta call...

HALE AND KRIS
GHOSTBUSTERS!

And then, like some retard Disney movie about angry black teenagers from the ghetto that start dancing (cliché), Kris and Hale start dancing and singing the Ghostbusters song.

Hale looks into the non-existant camera with a really corny smile on his face as he gyrates around, the face is a bit like this.



As a matter of fact, it's exactly like that. Kris pulls out a mobile phone and calls the Ghostbusters, he is also doing a smile, but a less embarrassing one. The Ghostbusters answer the phone.

THE GHOSTBUSTERS
Hi, you've reached the Ghostbusters, we can't take your call, cause we're beating up women. Please leave a message after the tone.

Kris throws the phone down to the ground and stomps on it 82 times.

KRIS
Those scum bags aren't available!!!

HALE
TRY SKYPE OR SOMETHING.

Kris clicks his fingers and they both point at each other with dumb grins upon their faces. Kris opens up a laptop while The Ghost Of Macias Past conveniently just hovers there doing nothing. Kris logs into skype and looks up his contacts...

KRIS
Hale, nope. Blackie, nope. Shawnie, nope. Matt, nope. Macias...

Kris looks up at Macias.

KRIS
Nope. OH THE GHOSTBUSTERS, HERE THEY ARE!

Kris calls the Ghostbusters via Skype, one of them answers finally.

PETER VENKMAN
Ohai

KRIS
Ohai, there's a ghost in our cottage and it's attacking us with links n' shit, could you come over and get rid of it.

As Kris finished the sentence the Ghostbusters appear on the doorstep and burst through the door.

The Ghost Of Macias Past throws himself backwards in fear.

WINSTON ZEDDEMORE
S'time to die, mo' fucker! Candy ass white boy, nigga!

Hale and Kris stand back, their hands on their cheeks in suspense and excitement.

The Ghostbusters draw back and shoot at the Ghost Of Macias past, long green beams suck him up into a small container. The Ghostbusters clap their hands then leave immediately. Hale and Kris look put out.

HALE
Well that was over faster than expected.

KRIS
Yes. You may say that what just happened was narratively anti-climatic.

Kris and Hale shrug their shoulders and sit back down on their enormous armchairs like nothing at all had happened.